Lost and All Alone

Photo published as " La ballade of lady and bird" by: Mieke Vos

I was sobbing in the early morning the instant I woke up, because I dreamt of him. In my dream, I seemed to be watching and enjoying a sports game at the park with my brother and our friends and I suddenly had to go home with him. I remember how the house did not look like our one in the province. It seemed that we were at my grandpa's old house. I was alone with him and as we were about to engage in our passion for each other, Allain, a friend of my brother hollered from outside the window (if only I could kill him for this). He was asking me where my brother was and I had to pull my dress up again to quickly attend to him. My love- his eyes never left my face and they gazed at me like slaves, they followed as I went to speak with Alain.

Then I don't know how my brother's friend disappeared from the scene. I suddenly had to wake up, as if from a long afternoon's nap. It was already dark everywhere... and he was no longer there. I stood up and ran everywhere to find him. I checked all the rooms that were there, but I could not see him anywhere. Then I went out to the porch only to find myself locked in. My Honey, how sweet of him to have left me secured while I was sleeping, I thought. Then I saw something stuck to the door latch. It was a note from him. I quickly reached for it for I wanted to know where he went so I could go and follow him. I could sense the yearning in me to see him as I was trying to read it. He only left shortly while I was sleeping but I felt as though I haven't seen him for years. The note- it looked like a map with a brown background. It seemed like a leaflet that one gets from an Australian restaurant like the Outback. On the front page, I recognized his handwriting. It said: My Sweety, Zha__ ___ __ ... and I could not read anymore the words that followed. But I picked the sense that he went back to where we left my brother and his friends. I turned to the back page of the note and all I could see is a map encircled in red. I think he was trying to tell me where exactly I could find him. I ran to the gates but I couldn't unlock it. I was crying while trying to bolt out when I saw my mother outside. I asked her where my brother was for I thought that my honey might have went to see him. But my mom said my brother was already home for a long while. I sat and cried in disappointment for I knew I wouldn't be able to find my honey at all.

I woke up to this dream in the middle of the night and all that crept in my mind is the reality that I am now alone. I need him so much and I am only crying in vain now for I know he will no longer hear me.

Dreams like this kill me slowly everyday.