The Road I Came to Travel ... Yet Again!

After a decade....

I walk this road again. I see love in the same person. I don't think it will ever end. He is the exact same love that will never ever die in my mind.

My Precious...

A Jade World in the Hands
by: Cecile C.

I have something in my hands. Something that made me stare blankly at a photograph on the wall for quite a long time. They were our tickets to the elephant and air balloon rides when I was on a holiday with him in Siem Reap.

I sniffed them hoping I could pick his scent again or even see his fingerprints in them. Then I looked at the dates on them and felt just like being there again. While I scrutinized the ink smudges that concealed some of the details of the tickets, I zoomed back to all those moments that I have shared with him there and hope it would just replay itself again in my life.

It was my first time on an elephant and even my first time on an air balloon. I could not describe my happiness that I giggled and laughed all through the rides. It wasn't just the thought that I have never ridden those before but also the thought that he made it all happen for me and he was there to experience it with me.

He took so much videos of me and now I keep viewing them and regretting that I never held the camera instead so I would have more views of him now instead of my ever drab self. %^$#!

I am lucky to be able to hear his voice in the background though. And all throughout that tour, I noticed that he never even failed to warn me to be careful in doing anything. He never forgot to remind me to be extra careful in climbing the elephant's back. And I also could hear him asking me to recline so I would feel more comfortable in that chair. There must be a word for that chair mounted on the elephant's back that I am not aware of. ..But what the heck! All I could think now is how caring he was.

Perhaps he never realized that there are a lot of things about him that I consider great and that everytime I think of them, my heart just melts so instantly. He might not even know that he has always been so sweet to me for that might be his nature really, but I wish he knows by now that be this so or not, I still appreciate every single thing he did for me.

He is the sweetest man I have ever known and the only one who really knew how to pamper my soul. Every story he told and the way his lips moved when he spoke, were music to my heart.

I wish he knows that if ever there would be a time when he would feel so unimportant, he could always think of how beautiful he is to me and how important he is in my life. I wish he knows that I think nobody else could ever come close to my heart but him. It doesn't matter who I am with and where I am... I will always treasure him and his memories like a priceless jewel that belongs to me.

You belong to me ... Jade B. Fraser

For Jade

Coming In and Out of Your Life
by: Barbra Streisand, OST Prince of Tides

I still can remember
The last time I cried
I was holding you and loving you
Knowing it would end

I never felt so good
Yet felt so bad
You're the one I love
And what makes it sad
Is you don't belong to me

And I can remember
The last time I lied
I was holding you and telling you
We could still be friends

Tried to let you go
But I can't, you know
And even though I'm not with you
I need you so
But you don't belong to me

Chorus:
Comin' in and out of your life
Isn't easy,
When there are so many nights
I can't hold you and I've told you
These feelings are so hard to find
Comin' in and out of your life
Will never free me
'Cause I don't need to touch you
To feel you, it's so real with you

I just can't get you out of my mind
But I can remember the last time we tried
Each needing more than we could give
And knowing all the time
A stronger love
Just can't be found
Even though at times this crazy world
Is turning up-side-down
You'll always belong to me

What lies beyond...

Published as "Swan Loch" by Lusobrandane

Do you ever have an idea of how much I wanted you to be back in my life? Do you know how much I pray that my confessions in this blog would melt your cold heart's anger towards me? Do you know how much I cry every single night whenever I remember the last words you uttered to me that totally destroyed my dreams in a love that I so much believed in?

What do you want me to do now, my love? How much blood in my tears do you want to see before you stop hurting me?What have I done that made you punish me in this manner? Why did you make me love you so much so that in the end, you would just desert me?

Now all I am doing is talking to my pages just to release these emotions in me. I am talking here as though I am expecting these pages to read themselves and actually do something for me just to ease this pain that I am feeling now. I am talking here as though you would be listening and you would be doing everything just to let me know that you are there and that you still love me as you have always said to me.

Do you know that I refuse to believe that you have left me? I do not want to accept the fact that you no longer would listen to my soul's language. And I do not want to know that you no longer care about how I feel. I refuse ... but I could feel the sting of reality

Whenever you called me lately, I would be dying to really pick up and listen to your voice. But I couldn't bear the thought of you angry at me for reasons I did not and still don't understand, so I opted to just put my phone on a mute mode and stared at it and cried bitter tears till I saw the batteries die down. When it started to go off again while I was doing something, tears just instantly flowed down my cheeks for I knew I could just tolerate as far as my ringtone and not your angry voice. When you had to send me those messages, I had no choice but to let him read it for me. and I felt more pain when I heard your words out loud from his lips. They were the words of a total stranger.- someone I never knew and loved. They couldn't be ones coming from you, so, I opted to think.

My soulmate has died. And every single day I cry and ask the skies why my man was taken away from me when all I had was him to make my soul happy. He was every reason why I liked listening to all the songs in my ipod. He was the language that all together expressed the soul that is in me. Because of him, my soul danced to rhythms inaudible to everyone else but me. Now all that he is, is a ghost that has returned to haunt me in the harshest way.

The happiness that I have felt while he was there for me, is something that is very difficult to explain. I can have everything I need now but without him, I am not thoroughly happy. I am very happy to have even just a little taste of him, if it is given that really couldn't be mine. He is the only one who can make my heart beat so wildly underneath my ribcage and nobody has ever made me feel exactly this way. .. He might be trying, but so far, he doesn't come as close :o(

Confusion

I went through all his e-mails to me again and while reading them, I didn't know whether I would laugh or cry. Those letters just make me crazy.

His words seemed so real. He many times repeated how much he will never leave me because he believes so much that we are soulmates. How did he come up with those declarations if he only was lying to me all the while? I cannot understand anything now.

I am totally lost!

Twilight

This will be the last month that I shall be seeing those two places that held so much beautiful memories of him and I. I will no longer be able to check whether they have forgotten to turn on the red and yellow lights on the hotel signs or not. He will no longer find me in the same place where he thought I always would be in.

I went to the rooftop for a coffee break with my fellow workmates in the evening and all I could feel is the sadness of having to say goodbye to everything I have come so much to know. The air was a bit cold up there and from a distance, I could see how the red sign of Citygarden glistened with the stars and the full-moon above it. I won't see that same scene anymore

I no longer hope that one day he would come and find me. He won't do that. Or if the winds change his mind and he would seek for the familiar path that he thought would lead to me, he will find out that time has put so much distance between us and it won't be easy at all to follow the trails to my door.

But my heart shall endure all of these... all because of one love that is lost in a pitch black and forgotten world

Lost and All Alone

Photo published as " La ballade of lady and bird" by: Mieke Vos

I was sobbing in the early morning the instant I woke up, because I dreamt of him. In my dream, I seemed to be watching and enjoying a sports game at the park with my brother and our friends and I suddenly had to go home with him. I remember how the house did not look like our one in the province. It seemed that we were at my grandpa's old house. I was alone with him and as we were about to engage in our passion for each other, Allain, a friend of my brother hollered from outside the window (if only I could kill him for this). He was asking me where my brother was and I had to pull my dress up again to quickly attend to him. My love- his eyes never left my face and they gazed at me like slaves, they followed as I went to speak with Alain.

Then I don't know how my brother's friend disappeared from the scene. I suddenly had to wake up, as if from a long afternoon's nap. It was already dark everywhere... and he was no longer there. I stood up and ran everywhere to find him. I checked all the rooms that were there, but I could not see him anywhere. Then I went out to the porch only to find myself locked in. My Honey, how sweet of him to have left me secured while I was sleeping, I thought. Then I saw something stuck to the door latch. It was a note from him. I quickly reached for it for I wanted to know where he went so I could go and follow him. I could sense the yearning in me to see him as I was trying to read it. He only left shortly while I was sleeping but I felt as though I haven't seen him for years. The note- it looked like a map with a brown background. It seemed like a leaflet that one gets from an Australian restaurant like the Outback. On the front page, I recognized his handwriting. It said: My Sweety, Zha__ ___ __ ... and I could not read anymore the words that followed. But I picked the sense that he went back to where we left my brother and his friends. I turned to the back page of the note and all I could see is a map encircled in red. I think he was trying to tell me where exactly I could find him. I ran to the gates but I couldn't unlock it. I was crying while trying to bolt out when I saw my mother outside. I asked her where my brother was for I thought that my honey might have went to see him. But my mom said my brother was already home for a long while. I sat and cried in disappointment for I knew I wouldn't be able to find my honey at all.

I woke up to this dream in the middle of the night and all that crept in my mind is the reality that I am now alone. I need him so much and I am only crying in vain now for I know he will no longer hear me.

Dreams like this kill me slowly everyday.