From my favorite window at work, I gazed upon that familiar structure across the street- a tall hotel building that held all the memories that altogether made me mad, happy and sad for years. It hasn’t changed a bit. It still gets its red insignia illuminated at around 5pm. Sometimes the keeper would tend to forget about it that by 7 pm I still wouldn’t see the lights on. When I don’t, then I take it as sign that the stars don’t spell out luck for me through the night – meaning I will be alone with him in my thoughts and in there he would be like a stranger who totally wouldn’t care about what I’d say and would entirely be oblivious of what is going on in my heart. It is like talking to someone who is in a deep coma. ..It is like talking to him now.
We used to stay there in that building, and the last time I ever was in it was two years ago. The last time was different from any other times when he had to go. He left earlier than usual and I had the feeling that I would never see the interiors of the building again or ever be in a nice warm bathtub with him there running his fingers gently on the fringes of my shoulders.
He makes sounds like that of a boar when he’s asleep. It all depends upon his sleeping position really. When he’s on his sides, he still sounds like a bore, only with a silencer that doesn’t work really much. It is when he’s on his back that I could smile sweetly to myself while looking at things from a very positive and sweet perspective- His very masculine nasal sounds make me feel his real and tangible presence throughout the night. His noise has become my security blanket. I started to realize that after all those days that I have secretly spent with him. I even have developed a secret habit of not wanting to sleep before I hear him snore. I now can even smile when i remember how his self-created sounds jolted him out of his sleep. I felt contented and safe when he snored and I should say he always left me a trace of his presence even in his journey to the subliminal world. … I wish he took me with him there and made me stay forever!
He had to catch an early flight to
He adored me, and whenever he saw me cry, he made sure he wiped away my tears literally without a word. But his eyes would always show the pain of having to see me in that state. I said everything I wished to say to him, but until now my heart refuses to believe that my words have very well translated the language of my soul that would have probably changed his mind about leaving me.
He left me in a very subtle manner. He kissed me and hugged me and told me he was gonna see me soon. The process in which he had to say goodbye always appeared normal to me. It did because I have always comforted myself by believing that we were normal lovers who lived far apart from each other and knowing that soon enough we will be together again. I dreamed dreams a normal lover would dream of with them came my expectation that he would think the same and feel the same. I cannot answer questions that have something to do with whether he really cared about being with me or not. It is simply too hard to tell. I couldn’t see any promising premise to which I could base my joyous conclusions from, at this time... and maybe not anymore. I couldn’t… because he has stopped thinking the way he did when he first came across my path in life.
He was my rag picker. He was the ears that listened to me and the dictionary of my soul. He lived happily in a world I have created for him and he couldn’t wait to have more of me every single moment of his days… but that was years and years ago
...and that time will drift farther into the forgotten realms of yesterday … at least for him ...but never for me!
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